Calgary Vegan Society

‘Meadow with Animals’ by Jan van Ravenswaay, ca. 1820–1837. | The Rijksmuseum (edited by the Author)

Private vs. Social Eating

In the privacy of our own homes, we eat whatever we want—whether that’s a calorie-dense “indulgent” dessert during a Netflix binge, or a nutrient-rich and fully plant-based meal after the gym. At the store, we have full control over what we grab and put into our shopping cart. It’s easy to skip past the meat aisle and deli, or not go all the way to the back of the store for the milk (which is a whole other thing). And there are always plenty of options when you’re ordering in for the night, too.

But what about when you’re at a restaurant with friends, and everything on the menu contains some kind of meat or dairy? Or at a work barbecue that callously didn’t ask for dietary restrictions? Or when you’re back home on holiday for a family dinner full of people whose opinions you already have been trying to avoid? Or when you’re graciously offered a free meal by kind people while you’re a tourist elsewhere?

If you’re a vegan, or just starting out on your plant-based journey, it can be especially hard in these situations to try to be firm about what you will and won’t eat.

Eating is Social!

I don’t think I need to tell you that eating together is fundamentally social, to the point where it is a glue for human connection. According to the World Happiness Report, the frequency of shared meals is directly tied to higher life satisfaction, lower rates of depression, and increased community trust.

We need to share meals with others, and break bread with our fellow people. Even the act of cooking is a pillar of human culture and society. Food has always been far more than mere survival. Food is a shared language that builds community, preserving ancestral traditions, and connecting people to their roots.

So, what happens when we no longer share that language? How do we navigate the terrain of a social setting full of meat and people who love eating it? It is easy to bend to social pressures and find yourself eating something that goes against your value system simply because you don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, or get into a heated argument.

A Confession

I will confess I’ve been terrible figuring this out, personally. I am the kind of person that won’t speak up if a waiter got my entire meal totally wrong, nor will I ask for a refund if a product I’ve bought is plain broken. If I’m passive enough to let something like that slide, how would I say anything when an entire group of people is eating and having a good time? I wouldn’t want to spoil that and be the sour grape or black sheep.

Really though? It’s this kind of defeatist thinking that causes the issue in the first place. In all honesty, I’m assuming the worst in people—that they’ll disrespect me and violate my dietary choices and boundaries from the get-go.

I think it’s important I write this guide to help people who have been in similar situations, or for those who do have meat-eaters in their life with strong opinions.

Be Firm and Confident

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned about being a vegan and maintaining a plant-based lifestyle I learned from Calgary Vegan Society founder, Connie Yu, which is: stand firm and confidently. Remind yourself of why you’ve made the choice to abstain from eating meat in the first place, and that these values are important to maintain no matter what.

There is a time and place for dialogue, and even debate, but during a mealtime is not one of them. It would be a social faux pas for someone to try to debate someone with celiac disease why they ought to eat the fresh homemade bread they made, or to try to convince a Muslim to eat pork or drink alcohol.

It’s this perspective we need to pivot towards—that there is nothing to negotiate, and that we certainly aren’t trying to start a fight or hurt anybody’s feelings. It’s just that we choose what we eat no different than many other cultures and people.

There is a rather silly stereotype that vegans will always remind you that they’re vegan, but it is exactly because of situations like this—we try to inform people beforehand so they’re prepared and will be able to better accommodate at social eating settings, not because of some sort of moral superiority or identity politics.

Researchers who study the “meat paradox”, which is the tension between loving animals and eating them, have found people who feel least secure in their choice tend to defend it the loudest. A vegan at the table makes that tension harder to look away from, whether anyone says a word about it or not. That’s not an excuse for anyone to take it out on you, and it doesn’t mean every leery uncle is wrestling with cognitive dissonance. When people get weirdly combative about your tofu, it’s not actually about your tofu.

A Few Helpful Strategies

Here’s a list of ideas that’ve worked for other vegans I’ve talked to and read about, when it comes to putting all of this into practice:

To start, anxiety around an unfamiliar table dissolves once you know what you’re walking into. If you’re headed somewhere new, look at the menu online first, or better yet, call the kitchen before the dinner rush and ask what they can do for you. Most restaurants are more accommodating than their printed menu suggests. An app like HappyCow can help you scope out options anywhere in the world, which is especially handy when you’re the one picking the spot for a group.

If you’re heading to someone’s home, tell them you’re vegan as soon as you know you’re coming. Reaching out well in advance gives a host time to plan, and offer something concrete. Like sautéing the vegetables in oil instead of butter or keeping the dressing on the side.

If you can, show up with a dish you know you can eat, and bring enough to share. It takes the pressure off your host, and it’s one of the best tools you have for changing minds without saying a word. People will try something plant-based when it’s sitting on the table next to everything else.

Office potlucks and catered lunches are their own particular minefield, since you usually don’t control the menu and can’t really opt out of the team event. Emailing whoever’s organizing the food ahead of time to ask what’s available, or just offering to bring a dish to share.

If you’re being hosted by someone in another country or culture, let the host know your dietary needs as early as possible, either before you arrive at a homestay or when you’re invited. When you’re handed a plate of something you can’t eat by someone who went out of their way to make it for you, you get to decide at that moment what matters more: your values, or the relationship sitting across from you. Even vegans who travel constantly will confess they sometimes choose the relationship. That’s not a failure of your values, it’s a judgment call and yours to make.

And look, none of this is easy to do alone. The Calgary Vegan Society’s restaurant and resource list exists so you’re not starting from scratch every time you’re trying to figure out where to eat in this city, and events (including Calgary VegFest this September!) are there so you can spend a few hours at a table where nobody’s questioning or judging your order. Having a community behind you doesn’t just make the hard dinners easier. It reminds you why you’re doing this in the first place.

Finally, remember you’re allowed to just say no thank you. No justification or debate. If they push again, you’re allowed to say it again, exactly the same way, as many times as it takes. Practice the phrase out loud before you’re in the room if you can.

This isn’t about winning arguments or converting your uncle, no. This is about your right to stay at the table and to keep your seat. Eating together is still how we tell each other we belong to each other, and you deserve to be able to do that without abandoning what you believe in.

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Author Bio
Brennan Kenneth Brown (he/they) is a 30-year-old Queer Red River Métis and an independent author and web developer. They’re an English Honours alumni from Mount Royal University, and extremely passionate about animal liberation and making plant-based options accessible to everyone. You can find his work without a paywall at Brennan.day.